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THE REWATCHABLES · April 20, 2026

Kindergarten Cop

A 1990 comedy / action movie directed by Ivan Reitman—and decision no. 104 in the Hanks–Cruise tape.

ComedyAction1990sDirected by Ivan Reitman
Kindergarten Cop1990MOVIE
Podcast episode#446No. 457 overall
Movie year19901990s release
Tomatometer54%No. 100 of 128 tracked
Metacritic61View score
Roger Ebert3/4Original star rating
State of the raceCruise led by 647–53 · 4 ties

FROM THE CONVERSATION

What they said about the movie

The episode argues that Kindergarten Cop is a bizarre but highly effective 1990 hybrid: an Arnold showcase that mixes action, comedy, kids-movie elements, and surprisingly dark material. The hosts celebrate its quotability, Arnold’s performance, Ivan Reitman’s direction, and the movie’s strange permissiveness, while joking that modern studios would never make something this messy.
Based only on this episode’s transcriptTimes approximateSpeakers were clearly identifiedExplore the connections

WHY IT WORKS

What made it rewatchable

  1. 01Arnold’s delivery makes even normal dialogue funny and endlessly quotable. Opening minutes
  2. 02The movie’s tonal collision between kids’ movie, action thriller, and divorce drama creates constant rewatch surprise. Opening minutes
  3. 03The first-day-of-school sequence is packed with memorable kid lines and Arnold reactions. About 24 min
  4. 04The opening drug-den/undercover material plays like classic Arnold action before the film veers into absurdity. About 24 min
  5. 05The ending fire-and-rescue climax is over-the-top and iconic in its own 1990 way. About 40 min

WHAT DID NOT WORK

Their main criticisms

  1. moderateThe movie is overloaded with dark material that would not fit a modern kids’ film. Opening minutes
  2. majorCrisp’s mother-son relationship is bizarre and almost unreadable. About 32 min
  3. minorPamela Reed’s eating/puking business is overused. About 32 min
  4. minorThe undercover plot setup is a little implausible and the end plan is sloppy. About 1:12
  5. moderateKimball’s personal backstory is underwritten and makes him look indifferent to his own son. About 1:28

SCENES THEY KEPT COMING BACK TO

Standout moments

Favorite

Opening mall / Crisp introduction

Crisp walks through a mall in silk and a ponytail, immediately establishing his strange villain energy.

Opening minutes
Favorite

Drug den assault opening

Arnold in beard and sunglasses storms a drug den with a shotgun in classic action mode.

About 16 min
Favorite

Plane ride and puke montage

Arnold threatens a child, meets the flight attendant, and then watches his partner puke in confusion.

About 24 min
Favorite

First day of school

The classroom erupts with kid lines, the ferret, and Arnold trying to maintain order.

About 24 min
positive

Milk nap scene

A quieter, tender interlude with kids drinking milk and Arnold reading them a book.

About 32 min
Favorite

Arnold punches the abusive father

Kimball decks the father, and the principal oddly praises him afterward.

About 32 min
positive

Principal’s speech about Kimball

Linda Hunt’s principal tells Kimball he is a very good teacher, giving him emotional validation.

About 40 min
critical

Final fire rescue

Crisp burns the library, chaos erupts, and the climax becomes a preposterous rescue-and-shootout.

About 40 min

WHERE THEY DISAGREED

The biggest debates

They partly agreed About 24 min

Most rewatchable scene

Bill Simmons

The opening day of school sequence is the best because it is packed with quotable kid lines and Arnold reactions.

Kyle Brandt

The plane-and-puke sequence and the early action stuff are also top-tier rewatch material.

They left it as a friendly argument About 1:36

How evil Crisp really is

Bill Simmons

Crisp is a good villain, but the movie makes him too weird and underdeveloped.

Kyle Brandt

Crisp is actually sympathetic because he is trying to get his son back and the movie is treating him unfairly.

They partly agreed About 1:36

Who should have played Kimball or Crisp

Bill Simmons

Tom Cruise, Swayze, or even Danny DeVito could have made this work in different ways.

Kyle Brandt

A more out-of-the-box star like Keanu Reeves or an athlete-type could also have worked, but Arnold is the right choice.

They partly agreed About 1:36

Should the ending have been a fistfight instead of a shootout

Bill Simmons

Yes, Crisp and Kimball should have had a full brawl as the main event.

Kyle Brandt

The shootout is part of the movie’s insanity, but a fight would have been fun too.

12 People discussedActors, directors, writers, and producers
very favorableArnold SchwarzeneggerBill Simmons: Praised as a one-of-one star whose line delivery and physical presence make the movie work. Opening minutes favorableIvan ReitmanBill Simmons: Credited with understanding how to showcase Arnold and make the improbable material work. About 16 min favorablePamela ReedKyle Brandt: Seen as a strong partner/cop, though her eating and vomiting bits are overdone. About 32 min
favorablePenelope Ann MillerBill Simmons: Praised as a very good actress whose flirtation with Arnold creates real chemistry. About 32 min
favorableLinda HuntBill Simmons: Liked for the principal role and her emotional speech about Kimball. About 32 min
mixedRichard TysonBill Simmons: Viewed as a good weird villain, but his mother-son material and evil level are hard to process. About 24 min
mixedKathy MoriartyBill Simmons: Her role as the worried mother is considered wrong-vibe and bizarrely sexualized. About 32 min
neutralStephen ParkBill Simmons: Mentioned as a surprise sighting in the film. About 1:36 · medium confidence
favorableRoger EbertBill Simmons: Cited as giving the film three stars and describing it as improbable but effective. About 40 min
neutralAmani ToomerBill Simmons: Used as an example of how the line “it’s not a tumor” took on a second life. About 8 min · medium confidence
neutralBoomer EsiasonBill Simmons: Referenced in the discussion of ESPN nicknames and a personal anecdote. About 8 min · medium confidence
neutralJason ReitmanBill Simmons: Mentioned as appearing randomly in the movie and as Ivan Reitman’s son with a career of his own. About 24 min · medium confidence
12 Conversation takesSpeakers shown only where the transcript identifies them
Bill SimmonsLoved it

Kindergarten Cop as a 1990 family-action hybrid

Argues the movie is a bizarre but perfect product of its time, able to mix violence and kid comedy without modern caution.

Opening minutes
Kyle BrandtLoved it

Kindergarten Cop

Says the movie is a flex of the PG-13 rating and a fun, outrageous watch where everybody knew what they were doing in 1990.

Opening minutes
Bill SimmonsLoved it

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Calls Arnold a one-of-one star who is funny in the movie whether or not he intends to be.

Opening minutes
Kyle BrandtLoved it

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Says Arnold is not like Seagal and should be respected as a self-made, iconic star who can also be laughed at affectionately.

Opening minutes
Bill SimmonsLoved it

Arnold’s dialogue delivery

Thinks this is Arnold’s most quotable movie because every line lands like a catchphrase.

Opening minutes
Kyle BrandtLiked it

Ivan Reitman’s direction

Credits Reitman with steering the movie toward Arnold’s strengths and maximizing the comedy in the delivery.

About 8 min
Bill SimmonsLoved it

The first day of school sequence

Thinks the opening classroom stretch could almost be its own movie because the kids and Arnold are so funny together.

About 24 min
Kyle BrandtLiked it

The classroom and ferret material

Enjoys the ferret, the questions, and Arnold’s first-day chaos, especially the quotable classroom exchanges.

About 24 min
Bill SimmonsLiked it

Richard Tyson as Crisp

Finds Crisp effective as a villain but thinks the script pushes him into bizarre, overripe territory.

About 32 min
Bill SimmonsDid not like it

Kathy Moriarty

Thinks her role is an odd casting choice and that the film’s sexualized mom material does not work.

About 32 min
Kyle BrandtLiked it

The ending fire-and-kidnapping climax

Calls the finale absurd but very 1990, with a preposterous plan that still plays as entertaining escalation.

About 40 min
Bill SimmonsDid not like it

Modern family-action films

Says later attempts at this kind of movie are overly safe, less funny, and usually stripped of the original’s edge.

About 8 min
5 ThemesThe larger ideas in the discussion

Peak Arnold

The episode treats this as one of Schwarzenegger’s top runs, where his accent, presence, and self-awareness became a perfect comic weapon.

Opening minutes

1990 permissiveness

The hosts argue the film could only exist in a moment when PG-family movies could include shootings, abuse, and weird adult jokes.

Opening minutes

Kids’ movie authenticity

The child performers are treated as genuinely funny rather than merely cute, and the film works because Arnold plays with them naturally.

About 8 min

Reitman craftsmanship

Ivan Reitman is credited with knowing how to use big stars, keep the movie moving, and showcase Arnold without letting the concept collapse.

About 16 min

Modern movie-making is safer and less odd

They argue contemporary versions of this concept would be sanitized, over-managed, and less memorable.

About 8 min
21 Facts and referencesProduction notes and other movies mentioned

Production note

The film was made for about $26 million and grossed about $202 million.

About 40 min

Production note

Roger Ebert gave the film three stars.

About 40 min

Production note

The movie runs 111 minutes.

About 40 min

Production note

The school was filmed at John Jacob Astor Elementary in Astoria.

About 1:36

Production note

Arnold supposedly had a private studio gym built for daily workouts.

About 1:36

Production note

Stephen Park had cut scenes in the film, according to the hosts.

About 1:36 · medium confidence

Production note

Reitman used five rules for working with the child actors.

About 1:36

Mentioned with uncertainty

The title character’s mom-name choice 'Sylvester' is interpreted as a Stallone jab.

About 1:36 · medium confidence

Total Recall

Used as proof of Arnold’s 1990 peak and his hot streak.

About 16 min

Twins

Mentioned as another successful Reitman-Schwarzenegger collaboration.

About 8 min

The Terminator / Terminator 2

Referenced as part of Arnold’s action-to-comedy evolution and his apex run.

About 8 min

Home Alone

Used to illustrate the family-film landscape and 1990 box office competition.

About 16 min

Sleeping with the Enemy

Referenced as the film that finally knocked Home Alone from number one.

About 16 min

Roadhouse

Used as a template for the kind of overripe villain Crisp resembles.

About 32 min

Ghostbusters

Held up as one of Ivan Reitman’s defining successes and a benchmark for ensemble comedy.

About 16 min

Dave

Bill calls it Reitman’s best movie, in a tangent about the director’s filmography.

About 24 min

The Champ

Cited as Arnold’s conceptual inspiration for a kid-centered film.

Opening minutes

Brookstone

Used as a 1990 mall-era nostalgia marker in the opening scene.

Opening minutes

Different Strokes

Mentioned as an example of older TV’s “very special episode” approach to dark topics.

About 16 min

The Big Lebowski

Referenced in the ferret discussion.

About 32 min · medium confidence

Axl/other celebrity peak lists

They use multiple celebrity-run examples to discuss nostalgia for peak cultural runs.

About 16 min · medium confidence
10 Running jokes and short linesRecurring bits captured from the conversation

“It’s not a tumor” / “tuma”

The hosts repeatedly quote and riff on the line as one of Arnold’s defining catchphrases.

Opening minutes

Ponytail villains

A long bit about memorable villain ponytails, with Crisp as a notable example.

About 48 min

Brookstone / mall nostalgia

The opening mall scene becomes a joke about 1990 consumer culture and subdivision dad luxury stores.

Opening minutes

Ferret Apex Mountain

The ferret is treated as a temporary pop-culture high point and a source of absurdity.

About 32 min

Craig’s late cameo review

A pre-recorded Craig review is dropped into the episode, and the hosts joke about pretending he disliked the movie.

About 1:36

Bill Simmons

“It's not a tumor, at all.”
Opening minutes

Bill Simmons

“I'm a cop, you idiot!”
Opening minutes

Bill Simmons

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
About 24 min

Kyle Brandt

“Kindergarten is like the ocean”
About 24 min

Bill Simmons

“Stranger! Stranger!”
About 40 min

MAKE IT A MOVIE NIGHT

Where to watch

UNITED STATES

Checking where Kindergarten Cop is available…

WHAT TO WATCH NEXT

Movies to watch before and after.

Three movies to watch before Kindergarten Cop, and three to watch next.

Finding six movies…Three to watch first and three to watch next.
Includes a Rewatchables episodePosters from TMDB.

ON THE MIC

2 voices made the call

Bill Simmons headshotBill Simmons125 tracked appearances · 56 H / 64 C / 5 ties
Kyle Brandt headshotKyle Brandt20 tracked appearances · 7 H / 13 C

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